before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
