I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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