my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
