so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
