bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
