I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
