your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
