dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize