I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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