Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
