I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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