It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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