he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
