Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
