i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
