I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
