If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
