Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
