I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
