I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
that is very illegal...i love you.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
