Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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