I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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