Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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