can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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