I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
its liver damage thursday
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
