You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
