So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
