THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize