I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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