have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
