On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize