My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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