I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Sober January is a disaster.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
