Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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