My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
