he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
