Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize