Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
