Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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