flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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