I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
