I wish I could teleport
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
