So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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