so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
