Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize