Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
