Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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