Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I pour the whiskey from now on
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
