Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
