this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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