3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
