I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
