Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I have fence marks all over my body
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
