Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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