My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Randomize
