Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
