No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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