last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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