We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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