I hate all girls vehemently.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
