smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
