Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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