He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize