It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
