I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
