do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize